Recently, someone asked me what the biggest issue I'm seeing in my work with college students is. At first glance, you might expect my answer to be substance use, lack of academic motivation, poor attendance, or difficulty managing the increased independence that comes with college life. But as I thought about it, the answer that came to mind actually surprised me.
More than anything else, many of the college students I'm working with lately are struggling with their roommates.
Taking an even broader view, I would say that social challenges are among the most common issues I see in my practice working with college kids. Roommate conflict is often the first visible sign of a larger struggle. Students are learning to navigate relationships, communicate effectively, and adapt to people who may think and live very differently from them.
Having a roommate is not easy. Think about your own life and current living situation. Now imagine that tomorrow you have to move into a small room that serves as your bedroom, study space, relaxation space, and place to entertain friends, all while sharing it with a complete stranger.
Even students who have the opportunity to choose their roommates often discover what many adults already know…you don't truly know someone until you live with them. In fact, living together can test even the strongest friendships.
Many parents reading this may think, "I had an annoying roommate in college too, and I survived." That's true. College roommates have always disagreed over noise, cleanliness, sleep schedules, guests, and personal habits. Conflict itself is not new.
What does seem to be changing, however, is the environment students are coming from.
Many of the roommate conflicts I see appear connected to the level of comfort students have experienced growing up and the degree to which modern life provides immediate gratification. Today's students have grown up with instant access to entertainment, food delivery, online shopping, personalized technology, and constant communication. When something is inconvenient, there is often an app or service designed to make life easier.
They also often have more control over their personal environments than previous generations experienced. Bedrooms have become individualized retreats where students control the temperature, lighting, music, entertainment, schedules, and privacy. Having a roommate in college is like throwing a bucket of cold water over that entire sweet setup!
Suddenly, nearly every aspect of daily life requires some kind of negotiation. When do the lights go out? How clean should the room be? Can friends come over? How much noise is acceptable?
For many students, the challenge isn't simply learning to tolerate an annoying roommate. It is learning to live with discomfort, compromise with someone whose habits differ from their own, and recognize that healthy relationships require flexibility rather than control.
In many ways, roommate conflicts become an unexpected classroom. They teach communication, empathy, patience, boundary-setting, and conflict resolution. These are skills that matter not only in college, but throughout adulthood.
Growing Up Connected, Yet Losing the Art of Everyday Interaction
Today's students have grown up in a world dramatically different from the one many of their parents experienced. Technology has transformed nearly every aspect of daily life, making it faster, easier, and more convenient. These advances have brought tremendous benefits, but many of our kids have missed out on unlocking certain interpersonal skills before leaving for college.
For those who grew up in the 1970s, 1980s, and 1990s, social interaction was largely unavoidable. If we wanted to see friends, we rode our bikes to their houses, knocked on doors, or called a home phone and hoped someone answered. We spent hours together without every moment being planned or supervised. Disagreements were handled face-to-face because there was no group chat to hide behind and no option to simply avoid a difficult conversation. Communication was something we practiced every day.
Today's students communicate in ways that are fundamentally different. Texts, emails, social media, and messaging apps allow people to stay connected constantly, but they often remove many of the social cues that help us build relationships. Reading facial expressions, hearing tone of voice, tolerating awkward moments, and working through conflict in real time are skills that develop through practice.
Technology has also changed our relationship with convenience. Food can be delivered, groceries can be ordered without entering a store, entertainment is instantly available, and many daily tasks, such as banking, shopping, scheduling appointments, and accessing information, can be completed without ever speaking to another person. Our kids don't often have to wait for the good stuff.
Convenience is one of the great benefits of modern life, but it also means there are fewer natural opportunities to practice patience, flexibility, and problem-solving through everyday interactions.
The COVID-19 pandemic accelerated these changes. Many current college students spent critical developmental years learning remotely and missed countless informal social experiences, including classroom conversations, extracurricular activities, team experiences, and simply spending unstructured time with peers. These moments may seem ordinary, but they are where young people learn how to make friends, navigate conflict, read social situations, and adapt to others.
In that context, roommate struggles are often less about incompatible personalities and more about young adults learning to communicate, compromise, tolerate discomfort, and share space with someone different from themselves.
None of this means today's students are less capable or resilient than previous generations. They are navigating a world that is more complex and fast-paced than ever before. However, they are also entering college with fewer opportunities to practice some of the very skills that college demands.
These challenges do not begin when students arrive on campus. In many ways, the seeds are planted much earlier, during the years when students are preparing for college admission. The college application process has become increasingly focused on grades, test scores, achievements, extracurricular activities, and building the strongest possible application. While these accomplishments are important, we may sometimes overlook the skills students need once they actually arrive on campus. Skills like independence, self-advocacy, resilience, problem-solving, and the ability to navigate uncertainty.
I explored this topic more deeply in my article, "The College Application Process Is Not Preparing Our Kids for Life," where I discuss how the current college preparation process may unintentionally leave students less prepared for the real-world challenges they encounter after acceptance.
The encouraging news is that these skills can be developed. Parents don't need to reject technology or join the Amish. Instead, they can intentionally create opportunities for their children to practice the communication, independence, and relationship skills that will help them not only succeed in college, but thrive in adulthood.
Preparing Students for Discomfort, Independence, and the Horror of Making a Phone Call
I have a vivid memory of being in ninth grade and looking for a job. My mother insisted that I call my old baseball coach to ask if there were any jobs available at the local Little League fields. Making that call was incredibly painful for me. I was so anxious that I literally stammered my way through the conversation. But I got the job, and I ended up working there throughout my entire high school career.
I often return to this uncomfortable memory in my work with kids today. Although making that call felt overwhelming at the time, it taught me the value of doing something difficult despite feeling uncomfortable. So, what can parents do? The goal is not to make life harder for our children simply to build character, but to create opportunities for them to practice the skills they will need when we are no longer there to step in and smooth the path.
Encourage direct communication
Encourage your teenager to speak directly with teachers when they have a question or concern instead of sending the email for them. If they need to schedule an appointment, have them make the phone call. If they have a problem with a coach, supervisor, or friend, help them think through the conversation, but encourage them to have it themselves.
These moments may feel uncomfortable, but they are exactly where confidence and independence are built.
Create opportunities to replace convenience with practice
Have your teenager call a restaurant to place an order occasionally instead of using an app. Encourage them to make their own appointments, ask questions in stores, and handle routine interactions that require speaking with another person. My kids actually tell me I'm annoying for talking to people who work at stores!
These tasks may seem minor, but each one builds comfort with real-time communication and problem-solving.
Encourage part-time work
Unsurprisingly, one of the most valuable experiences I recommend for teenagers is getting a job. While earning money is certainly a benefit, the paycheck is often the least important part of the experience.
A job requires young people to show up on time, take direction from supervisors, work alongside people they may not naturally choose as friends, and interact with customers and coworkers from many different backgrounds.
Perhaps most importantly, a job teaches teenagers that the world does not revolve around their own preferences. They cannot always choose their coworkers, tasks, or schedule. They learn that sometimes they need to put their frustrations aside, focus on the responsibility in front of them, and contribute to a larger team.
Those lessons translate directly to college life. A roommate, like a coworker, is not someone students get to customize. Learning to adapt, communicate, and find common ground with others is a skill that develops through experience.
Allow manageable discomfort and let them work it out
It is probably the hardest thing to do as a parent, but allowing our kids to suffer and muddle through difficult situations is the best thing you can do for them. A good deal of the work I do with college age kids is getting them to just accept and be ok with anxiety, sadness, and ambiguity.
A large part of becoming an adult is learning that not every problem requires immediate rescue. When students face challenges in college, they need confidence in their ability to advocate for themselves, communicate effectively, and work toward solutions.
Parents can support this process by being a coach rather than a fixer, offering guidance while allowing their child to take ownership.
Technology will continue to evolve, and life will likely become even more convenient. That is not something to fear. But the skills that allow people to build meaningful relationships — communication, empathy, patience, and the ability to work through discomfort — will always require practice.
In the end, the goal isn't simply to prepare our children for college. It's to prepare them for life. College just happens to be one of the first places where that preparation is put to the test.