The College Application Process is Not Preparing Our Kids for Life
The College Application Process is Not Preparing Our Kids for Life in the Real World
The dropout rates for first-year students attending four year private colleges is an astounding 38% with 42% of these students leaving for mental health or motivational reasons. How is it possible that so many kids are unprepared for meeting the challenges of college? Through my work with high school and college-age students, I’ve reached the conclusion that a major problem is the college application and preparation process itself and, more specifically, how our school system (both public and private) bends to and is shaped by it. The end result is that our kids are getting into college but aren’t prepared for what they really need to thrive once they’re enrolled.
The AP System is Bad for Most Students
The Advanced Placement (AP) system is designed to introduce college-level courses in high school, with the belief that students who take these courses demonstrate their ability to handle college work. As a result, colleges often view these students as a safer bet during the admissions process. Additionally, AP students can take a final exam, and those who score well may receive college credit. While the system provides a standardized framework for what should be taught in high schools, it has unintended negative consequences for many students' mental health and their preparedness for independent functioning once they leave for college.
The AP system sets the standard for what students are expected to learn, and all other courses below the AP level are pressured to align with this standard in preparation for college. I believe the pace and content of this top down system is a poor fit for most students. The fast-paced nature of these courses often prevents students from fully absorbing and engaging with the course material. As a result, learning becomes a cycle of preparing for and taking tests, with little opportunity for reflection. Once a test is taken, there is often no time for review, leaving students unaware of where they went wrong. This focus on “teaching to the test” has significant consequences for student development, particularly in areas crucial for success at the college level. The intense pressure to succeed in the AP system and gain college admission often leaves students unprepared for the realities of college, even if they manage to get into a "good school.”
In my work with high school and college students there are three areas of student development most affected by the AP system:
Willingness to take risks and make mistakes
Advocacy
Self Knowledge
Below I share some examples of how the design of college preparation coursework is negatively impacting our kids’ social and emotional development.
The Bar is Set at Perfection
A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new. – Albert Einstein
Example: I recently worked with a high school sophomore who was struggling with test-taking in his science class. Despite putting in significant effort and having a tutor, he was still receiving low marks. After a recent poor score on a test, his tutor asked to review some of the test questions, but the teacher refused, citing school policy that prohibited students from taking test results home. The student was only allowed to briefly look at the test one time immediately following the exam. Essentially, my client was being evaluated on his knowledge at the moment of the test, with no consideration for his ability to learn the material afterward. Imagine this approach being applied to learning a musical instrument or playing a sport?
Consequences: One of the most important life lessons we teach our children from a young age is that making mistakes is a natural part of learning. Unfortunately, the AP system contradicts this message. As mentioned earlier, the fast pace of these courses leaves little time for teachers to revisit what’s been previously taught. This model allows only a small group of students—those who grasp the content quickly—to truly absorb what’s being taught. The bar is set by these students, sending a dangerous, implicit message to the rest of the class: “You should be able to understand this work right away.” In this environment, where does that leave room for our kids to make mistakes and learn from them?
We learn from failure, not from success! – Bram Stoker
While the direct impact of this practice is harmful—students aren’t given the chance to properly understand or improve upon what they’ve learned—the implied message is even worse: Don’t make mistakes because there’s no time to learn from them.
The mental health consequences of these policies are severe. Our kids are growing up fearful of situations where they might not get things right or struggle to work through challenges. This often leads to avoiding challenges in the future. If our schools—the places where children spend 85% of their time until age 18—teach kids that mistakes aren’t tolerated, how can we expect them to grow into healthy, free-thinking adults who engage with the world rather than avoid it? Now, imagine how much harder it becomes for students to ask for help in a system that implicitly tells them they should know everything right away.
Asking for Help is for Dummies
Don't be afraid to ask questions. Don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it. I do that every day. Asking for help isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength. It shows you have the courage to admit when you don't know something, and to learn something new. – Barack Obama
Example: Recently, I spoke with a high school Junior about why she didn’t ask for help in her AP Math class. She explained that following a short lesson that day she took her classwork and homework home, thinking she could grasp the material with a little extra time. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen. Instead, she felt stuck and hesitant to ask her peers for help, fearing it would reveal that she didn’t understand the content.
Consequences: This is a common experience for many students, who often feel like everyone else is “getting it” while they aren’t. Admitting they don’t understand the material carries a significant stigma, so they avoid seeking help from classmates altogether.
The fast-paced AP system undermines a fundamental principle of learning: "If you don’t understand something, ask for help." This is especially concerning as students graduate high school and enter the world without the proper support.
In psychology, we often observe how long-standing relational patterns shape how individuals perceive the world as they transition into adulthood. In this case, the high school system reinforces the mindset that “There’s no time to ask for help when I don’t understand something, and my request won’t be well received” or “If I ask my friends for help, they’ll think I’m stupid.” This thinking persists into college, where many students find themselves with less support than they had at home and feel isolated in their struggles. Combined with a reduced tolerance for making mistakes, this mindset is likely a significant contributor to high college dropout rates.
There is No Journey, Only the Destination
To finish the moment, to find the journey's end in every step of the road, to live the greatest number of good hours, is wisdom. — Ralph Waldo Emerson
Example: A high school student was telling me about his science lab. His biology class was using a microscope and blue dye to look at cells taken from their cheeks. He said he felt that the lab itself was really interesting, but because they had to rush and answer so many questions from a worksheet he did not get to enjoy the microscope and what they were seeing. He went on to say that he had other curiosities related to the lab, but the next day they had moved on to something else. Here this student was expressing what we all want for our kids at school… interest, excitement and a desire to learn more! But there was no discussion or exploration. Just finish the task and move on. The student did not get to see if this is an interest he might like to pursue more deeply because the tedium and busy work required to generate data for test prep and grading drowned out the possibilities.
Consequences:
When students come to me and we explore the question, “Who am I and what do I want?,” I often ask if any course, project, or teacher has ever inspired them. Sadly, most say they have never been inspired. Of those who have, many attribute the inspiration to a teacher, not the material or the work itself. Most teachers, trapped by the demands of teaching to the test, don’t have the spaciousness to incorporate creativity or real-world applications into their lessons. As a result, students rarely have the opportunity to reflect on what they are learning or consider how that knowledge might shape their future.
Additionally, decisions about what gets included in high school curricula and what students need to know in preparation for college aren't keeping pace with a rapidly evolving world. As society becomes increasingly rooted in technology, many students now feel disconnected from the curriculum and question its relevance to their lives. I often hear high school students ask, “Why is this important to me?” or “Am I ever going to use this in real life?” Despite these concerns, the AP system continues to push forward, turning school into a series of hoops to jump through rather than a journey of discovery. Students are focused on learning material for the test, the class grade, and the college resume, but rarely for their own personal growth or understanding.
The current system has no room for students to ask the question “Who am I and what do I want?,” and this often plays out in decisions about where to go for college. For many high school students and parents, finding a “good school” is more about what others will think of the school or how it will look on a resume when applying for jobs, than what a “good school” means for the student. In fact, many of the kids I’ve worked with who couldn’t make college work were those who were so focused on getting into a “good school” that they didn’t ask the question “What’s a good school for me?” Once kids are at their school of choice, many get lost because they are now supposed to choose a life path. They’ve lost the ability to find joy in the work and struggle to find meaning in the courses that are offered. They are rudderless in a sea of choices without their sense of self to guide them and without support to keep them grinding away at the work – just as they did in high school but now higher stakes.
One last note on the system…it is like a box that hasn’t changed its shape for decades. Our kids are increasingly losing their way as they try to fit into a box that does not offer them passion, interest, and usable knowledge in the world around them. Tragically, it has become all too commonplace in our current society to pathologize and diagnose the kids who don’t fit into this box. More on this another day…
There’s not much we can do as parents (in the short term at least) to shape our educational systems. But what can we do to keep our teens and young adults on track developmentally?
Tips For Parents:
Putting challenges (and mistakes) in perspective:
It’s not them, it’s the system: If you’re on board with what I’m saying, talk to your kids directly about the system. Help them understand that when they’re in a class where the teacher is moving too fast for most of them to keep up, it’s a systemic issue, not a personal one. They are not stupid, and they are not alone.
Admit that you, too, struggle: When you struggle, let your kids know about it. When you make a mistake, own it. These simple acts will allow them to see that you are fallible and that navigating challenging situations is part of life. Our kids need to know that we’re struggling with the same things they are, and it’s ok.
Normalizing emotion is key: Boys, and most men, often don't talk about negative feelings like sadness or anxiety. Social media has also distorted how emotions are discussed, particularly for girls. As a result, many kids feel like they’re the only ones experiencing these emotions. It's important to talk about feelings at home and show them that having a range of emotions is normal, and that these feelings come and go. Many of the kids I work with are experiencing a typical amount of anxiety and sadness, but they end up beating themselves up for feeling this way, which only makes things worse.
Addressing Identity:
Help your kids to ask the question “Who am I and what do I want”:
Be on the lookout for passions in play…legos, video games, sports, art, etc. Try to be granular in your search: What kinds of video games do they play? Are they using strategy to figure things out? Do they communicate well in play with others or are they better alone?
Watch how they relate to others? Are they a helper? A good listener? Do they work well in groups?
Try asking what they would do with their life if they won the lottery and didn’t have to work. How would they spend their time?
Addressing Advocacy:
Model Advocacy: Try asking your kids for help. Find some things that they may have more knowledge about than you and allow them to teach you something. Not only will this show them that asking for help is a good thing, but it will also help to build their self esteem and competency.
Get them working: A job is one of the best ways for our kids to be out in the world and learning to advocate for themselves. In fact, the process of getting the job might be the biggest area of growth for teens as they must ask for something they want and also begin thinking about how they would be of value in the position.
Get them emailing and calling: Have your teens set up doctors’ appointments or correspond with teachers via email. The more comfortable they are reaching out to adults, the more they will be able to do it on their own.
Help them with a script: If they’re dragging their heels on doing the above, sit down and help them write out what they might say in these situations. We assume this is an easy thing, but for many kids it’s not.